The Companions Game
by Haleine Delail
Summary: A short, sweet, satirical treatment of recent Doctor-to-companion-to-viewing-public dynamics. A bit silly... okay, a lot silly, but sort of meaningful, and quite diverting. Oneshot!


"Hello everyone, and welcome to The Dating Game! It's time to meet our bachelor for game number-one!"

A tall man in pin-stripes crosses the stage and takes his place in front of the chair designated for the selection process. He is thin, dark-eyed, and his hair resembles the leaves of a pineapple, only brown. He rocks back on his heels, hands in pockets, and smiles as though he knows something you don't.

"He's an avid traveller, and prone to re-inventing himself! He says he's older than he looks, and his favourite oft-repeated phrase is 'It's bigger on the inside!'"

The crowd goes wild with this revelation.

"His hobbies are running and solving logic puzzles, and his biggest problem is that he's constantly out of time. Ladies, he's mysterious and _one of a kind_, please welcome, if you will, The Doctor!"

There is applause. The host crosses to the tall man, and they shake hands.

"Now Doctor, you know there are three lovely bachelorettes on the other side of that wall. You can ask them anything you like, except their name, age, occupation or hair colour. And when you decide which one is best for you, you've got yourself a companion, all right? Let's start with a hello. Bachelorette number one, will you say hi to the Doctor?"

"Hello, Doctor."

"Bachelorette number two?"

"Hi, Doctor."

Bachelorette number three?"

"Blimey, can't we just flip a coin?"

"All right! Are you ready for this, Doctor?"

"I am."

"Have you got your questions all set? All right then, have a seat, make yourself comfortable. And good luck, Doctor."

The Doctor sits down and puts on his glasses, smiles, and looks at his notes.

"All right. Bachelorette number one, if you were a flower, what kind of flower would you be, and why?"

"I don't know, but I'd definitely have a bush for you to take care of."

Bachelorette number one smiles wickedly, pushing her tongue through her teeth, then lets loose a charmingly resonant cackle. Her innuendo pleases the crowd, and the Doctor doesn't hate it either. He blushes and smiles.

"Interesting. Bachelorette number two, if you were a patron saint, which one would you choose to be?"

"I'd be the sister of Lazarus, patron saint of servants and cooks, and I'd _cook _whenever you want me to."

Bachelorette number two smiles sheepishly. The crowd enjoys this as well, though the innuendo is subtler. As though he hasn't caught the joke, the Doctor utterly fails to respond.

"Thank you. Bachelorette number three, if you were Italian food, what kind of sauce would you like to accompany you?"

Bachelorette number three opens her mouth in a shocked "o" expression.

"Now... [gasp] listen! I know you expect me to say something about _sausage_ or _cream sauce_, but that's not why I'm here, all right? Let's just get that straight. _I am a lady_, than you very much."

For the first time, the Doctor is speechless. He unknowingly mimics her "o" expression and looks about ten years old for a moment. But then he recovers.

"Erm... all right then. Bachelorette number one, pretend you are your mother and answer this question: _Is your daughter a good companion?"_

"I wouldn't be able to answer the question because I'd be at the shops, and my mouth would be occupied with jelly babies and exaggerations of my lovelife told through my mobile phone."

The Doctor is nonplussed, and the crowd is delighted at this, but says "ooh," to acknowledge the blow she has struck.

"Enough said. Bachelorette number two, same question."

"I'd say 'Absolutely not! She's rude, impatient and she associates with the wrong sort!' Truth be told, she doesn't know I'm here at all."

The Doctor does not smile, and he and the crowd receive a sense of foreboding from this. There is uncomfortable murmuring.

"Yikes. Thank you. Bachelorette number three, same question."

"Whatever she'd say, you can bet she'd never stop saying it."

The crowd titters and nods sympathetically, and the Doctor smiles with bemused affection.

"Sorry to hear it. All right, ladies, let's talk a bit about my posessions. Back to bachelorette number one. One of the few things I keep in my pocket at all times is a small cyllindrical device that buzzes. What would you like me to do with it?"

"I'd definitely like you to use it to coax something to open, maybe to release something that should not be pent up, maybe to fuse two interlocking parts."

She looks down, then impishly raises only her perfectly made-up eyes to the audience and looks at them with shy mischief. They go mad for her, and applause overtakes the proceedings.

The Doctor, again, doesn't hate it, but does not fully show his opinion on the subject.

"Thank you for your very clear answer. Bachelorette number two, being a Doctor, something else that I carry in my pocket is a stethescope. Where would you like me to press the chestpiece?"

Bachelorette number two takes a moment. She knows exactly what sort of answer is expected of her, she has an idea of what bachelorette number one would say, but she is not bachelorette number one. After a few seconds, she answers.

"Well, Doctor, you and I have something in common. I too carry a stethoscope quite often. I would say that I'd like you to press it to my heart, and I would do the same, so that we could listen and learn to synch our hearts in rhythm with one another."

The audience melts with a collective, "awwww." The Doctor's reponse is quite different, as he smiles with boyish delight because he finds this a _clever_ answer.

"Brilliant! Bachelorette number three, my most prized possession is made of wood, and it makes its presence known by grinding. Would you like me to introduce you?"

"Yes, and I'll introduce it to _my _most prized possession: my steel-toed boots."

An outright guffaw comes from the spectators, followed by thrilled applause. The Doctor smirks.

"All right, final questions. Bachelorette number one, as mentioned before, I'm an avid traveller. If you were to travel with me, and I said we could go anywhere, in any time period, what would you say?"

"Take me anywhere, anytime!"

The crowd once again goes insane with adolescent glee. The Doctor revels in the enthusiasm coming both from the applause and from bachelorette number one. But she is not finished.

"But I'm a bit of a wanderer. I won't just stay still because you tell me to. I've usually got my own... er, itinerary... and I know how to get where I want to go."

Applause once more as bachelorette number one utters her final, inflammatory phrase.

"You're quite the little voyager, I can see! Okay, bachelorette number two, if _you_ travelled with me, would you be the tour guide or the tourist?"

"I'd like to be a bit of both, I should think. I'd let you wisk me off anywhere, and I'd let you... er, entertain me."

She winks, and another puckish fit of giggles comes from the audience.

"But if you needed it, I'd look after you. I'd steer you clear of thieves who want what you have, and I'd contact people anywhere in the world to let then know you're on your way. I'd even give you mouth-to-mouth if you were dying."

She smiles dazzlingly, and all parties, including the Doctor, are amused at this. Warm applause swells in the auditorium as bachelorette number two signs off with a cute, mild innuendo and some tender sentiments.

"_Molto bene!_ Bachelorette number three, if _you_ were to travel with me, what three things would you pack for the trip?"

"Three things? Ha! Well, my entire wardrobe would have to count as one thing! And that includes my trainers and my wedding gown (you know, just in case)."

She says this with a simultaneously amused and annoyed air. The audience finds this endearing, and they smile.

"And then I suppose I'd pack a framed photo of my grandfather, and a laptop computer. That way I could keep a typed journal of our adventures, and I'd have them all on-file, just in case one day I forgot."

"Lovely, thank you."

The host returns to the stage, and the Doctor stands. The audience applauds in anticipation.

"All right, Doctor, three incredibly lovely ladies, one extremely difficult choice. Have you made your decision?"


End file.
